I thought about it, and I’m going to do a few things differently than thought. Running will be an option again in a few years, but things have to change.
For starters, I think I’m done with half-marathons and more. When my foot surgery was scheduled, Dr. Buchanan said I’d probably never be able to run a marathon again, but over the last couple days, I’ve thought about it some more. I’ve spent too much time trying to figure out the sleep, nutrition, cross-training, etc dance to do it well, and time can be better spent doing other things. So when I come back, it’ll be 5Ks, 10Ks, and maybe swim-only events.
I reached a point where I’d rather be at Saturday or Sunday brunch with my friends and Chosen Family.
I reached a point where I’d rather be up until midnight, drinking wine, playing Cards Against Humanity, What Do You Meme?, etc, and having fun with amazing people rather than be in bed by 9:30 PM to be up by 5:30 AM to be at a race by 7 AM on Saturday or Sunday.
I’ve traveled for races, and I felt I had to behave with nutrition, sleep, etc, rather than really enjoy the place I was visiting. When I went to Ann Arbor in 2016, I didn’t do most of the things I wanted to do, because I had a marathon on Sunday.
And why am I saying such things? In 2018, I realized I had burned a lot of bridges and isolated myself in pursuit of the marathon. If I didn’t have a marathon, I was training for a marathon. I never had time to meet my friends, attend church, or anything else. And I realized in the midst of coming out and starting HRT, that I needed to prioritize connection and healthy relationships over 26.2 miles. I also realized it wasn’t fun the way I was doing it, and I needed to have fun. Before surgery, it wasn’t fun any more, especially with my foot.
Also, right now, I need to own up to the fact I’m not healed at all. When I looked at the CT scan on January 27, I saw a void where solid should be. I saw a plate and screws, then black. And when I tried to ride a bike that afternoon, I realize my right leg had atrophied so much, and I couldn’t pick up my leg to get on a bike, not without leaning on my car. I need to heal first.
So in closing, I’ll come back to running. But I’m not going to try for a race every two weeks. I won’t even consider marathons or half-marathons. There are 5Ks, there are 10Ks, swimming events, cycling only events, etc. But for where I am now, there’s so much more to life than medals and race shirts.