This Ends Now.

So after that… some things happened today. Things that I don’t like, but they are necessary.

I woke up at 6:30 Monday morning after a party night last night, trying to eat my eggs, eat my oatmeal, and drink my coffee. He decides to try and make nice with me, but I wasn’t in the mood.

I told him I was sitting next to a bully and a disrespectful brat. He stepped away from me and tried to apologize. I told him I was no longer accepting apologies, only changed behavior. He said be mad. HA.

So I thought about this some more. Clearly, he’s never been held accountable in anything in his life, so this feels like an attack to him. Good. I can’t take any more of this; this is what I mean when I say I have a toxic family. And what I mean when I say toxic masculinity is the worst.

He’s been trying to make peace with me all week. Not buying it. Wednesday night, I wrote this to myself:

Hey Amber Marie,

It’s Amber Marie. I noticed a marked difference in you between Sunday afternoon and tonight. Sunday afternoon, your stepfather started an argument with you over spaghetti sauce of all things, then decided to tell you “God doesn’t make mistakes, that he intended you to use the equipment he gave you.” It drove you to tears, and running to your team for support. Your team came right back and said next time, stand up to him. You wiped the tears from your eyes, and realized they were right.

But the next morning, your stepfather tried to apologize to you, and here’s where I’m so proud of you. You called him a bully and a disrespectful brat! He stepped away. Then when he really tried to lay on the fake repentance act, you told him you weren’t accepting apologies, you were only accepting changed behavior. He stepped away from you some more, and thinking accountability is some kind of an attack, told you to be mad. You smirked, and watched him stew. That kind of shit is never easy, but you did it!

Now here’s where I really need you to keep it up. This is not the first time he’s said something mean and hurtful towards you. Remember, when you were anorexic, he told your mom that when you were fat, you were more fun to be around. Upset that he was going to miss communion one Sunday, he told you marathon running was a sin. He purposely has forgotten your name is Amber Marie. At Meijer, at Noodles and Company, etc, he constantly refers to you as “he.” He called you a “bitch without a c-nt” once, and didn’t like it when you held him accountable for that, either. Do not hesitate to keep pressure on him. Hold him accountable! Don’t have to be mean, but tell him to get his facts straight. Do not let this cycle of abuse – apology – calm -more abuse keep repeating itself! You have your foot on his throat now and I need you to keep applying pressure!

Also, my dear, you have to get away from him. Not right now, because you can’t afford it, but eventually, abandon him. And like you’ve done with other transphobes in your life, eventually block him and you will never have to do anything with him again. If you’re gonna do this, might do better to forgo laser hair treatment and save some money until he’s gone. And I notice you look happier than ever tonight. Keep drawing lines around him with a paint roller if you have to. Your dignity and self-worth are so important! Remember, you’re worth it, and I love you so much!

Love,

Amber Marie