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Bouncing Back from Depression

I admit, since surgery, I’ve been in a malaise. Something’s always wrong, never being able to put my finger on it, and slight negatives get turned into the absolute worst. I’ve had to lash out at people, I’ve cried a lot, and it’s been awful. But things are turning around.

With school, I had to withdraw until Spring because of student loans. The old ones are in default, and I had to enter a rehabilitation program to get them out of default. This 9 month program will end in March 2020, and I’ll be back in the classroom. Remarkably, my advisor at Denver calmed me down enough to explain my options, and when she said I could wait until Spring without losing anything, I felt relieved. Now to wait 9 months.

My birthday was fantastic. Lots of hugs, birthday cards, and a copious amount of food. I baked sugar cookies with unicorn chips and banana cranberry walnut muffins, along with having dinner at Hops at 84 East.

I’ve been writing more and more. Working on my book, writing affirmations that lift me up and remind me who I am and what my purpose is. Here’s something I wrote to help with the dysphoria:

“Dysphoria:

I am not the size of my breasts.

I am not the sound of my voice.

I am not my chest hair.

I am not how I look without makeup.

I am not how I look in workout clothes.

I am not how I look while wearing a buff to keep my hair back while at work or working out.

What I am:

I am kind.

I am intelligent.

I am funny. I have a great sense of humor.

I am compassionate.

I am beautiful.

I listen well.

I am not defined by how I look.

I am Amber Marie, and the way I look isn’t going to change that.”

Plus, my super family has been here throughout. Not my blood/marriage family, but my Mama Bears, sisters, and my adopted brothers. I do have them, even though I don’t talk about them all that much.

It will be okay.

By adventureswithambermarie

Just a 38 year old trans girl roaming around Holland, MI. My old life wasn't as glamorous as my webpage made it look. Transphobic comments will automatically be deleted and you will be blocked.

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