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There Is A Darkness and There Is A Light

What is a poor girl going to do? Rendered idle from foot surgery, can’t go back to work yet, waiting for class to start… SHE IS GOING TO THINK! And when this girl thinks, and thinks too much, her mind goes to the deepest, darkest places. As a result, she feels especially vulnerable. How did I get here?

The vulnerability started creeping in two weeks after surgery. I had plans that I would be up and moving around soon. All that happened two weeks after surgery was I had a disgusting bandage replaced by an Aircast, so I was depressed.

A week later, I started thinking about my future in endurance, wondering if I could go on. All that thought weighed on my mind, and I had nowhere to go with it. Rest assured, the family said not to worry about it, that I could just take my time and heal. At first, I asked my surgeon, and he estimated 4 months to return to running and intense activity. I felt so bad, I accidentally dragged my hair through egg yolks. Lovely.

In June, my adopted Aunt Jeanette died by suicide, and it’s stuck with me since. It will stick with me for awhile. But lately, it’s especially weighed on my heart and I need to tell someone. Combined with surgery, no wonder my heart’s been so heavy. And in August too, dysphoria struck me and struck me hard. Since I’m not working, I’m not able to get to Muskegon all that much to get a wax on my chest done. I’ve been pulling my cardigans tight to cover the chest. I hate my voice and always will. I can do makeup, I can carry a purse, but the moment I open my mouth, I sound like a man. EWWWW. It gives me away. I also found it’ll be 6 months before I can return to running, and the surgeon also says there’s a significant chance I’ll never be able to run again, around 50%.

There’s a light to all this, though. I did get registered for classes again, and they start September 10 with a tough one, Power, Privilege, and Oppression. That will be a great class for me, because being transgender, I can help educate the class.

In terms of my voice, I did get speech therapy, and it starts September 5 at 10 PM. I’m looking forward to working with Libby and sounding more like a girl. Seems like my camp is cheering for me on this one.

My adopted family has been walking with me in this mess too. Shelby has really stepped up and been my best friend, so have Kelly and Christina. And I have Mama Bears from all over the country offering hugs and cards. A special Mama Bear has been Jill from the other side of the state, loving me from her spot in Troy, Michigan.

In terms of class, I also got an internship with Every Woman’s Place in Muskegon starting September 16 at 10 AM. I have no idea when I’ll be done that day, but I know I’ll be making a difference to those women and to that staff!

So I think it will get better if I keep working through it.

By adventureswithambermarie

Just a 38 year old trans girl roaming around Holland, MI. My old life wasn't as glamorous as my webpage made it look. Transphobic comments will automatically be deleted and you will be blocked.

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